Super Bowl Edition: Sports watching for non-sports fans

I'm going to say this right off the bat, I'm not a sports guy. Growing up my brother filled that role so he took care of baseball and hurting his back in sports while I was allowed to enjoy things like books, movies and disappointing my dad. I don't even know if I ever had the capability of being a sports guy, but at this point it's too late. My brother and I both grew up with the same San Francisco Giants night-light, yet now he is the one sweating hockey and I'm the one with a pop culture blog.

Before there was hockey hair there was epic hockey mustaches.

Not being a sports fan did have its drawbacks though. When my family bonded with their annual 4th of July whiffleball match I felt out of place and when some of my friends would debate over wide receivers I was left in the dust. I didn't want to argue about Brett Favre and Daunte Culpepper, I wanted to argue over Han Solo and Greedo. So yes, in a way I did feel a little left out never following a team or having any skills whatsoever. It is this lifelong experience of being lame that has allowed me to perfect my ways in helping any nerd to enjoy sports.

Just in time for Super Bowl.

The most important thing is don't claim to like any teams. People have weird reasons to like teams. Maybe it's your local team or maybe you inherited the team from your father. Maybe it was the first game you saw or any other real reason there is to spend the rest of your life liking a team in Green Bay. In essence, you don't find your team, your team finds you. That's why you should watch what team you declare allegiance to. Real fans of the team will quiz you on the last 50 years of team history and anyone else will just scoff. Liking a team's colors is no reason to declare loyalty so don't even try.

Just because you like blue and white doesn't make you a Colts fan.

I personally don't have a favorite team. I'm not going to insult real fans by saying I'm a Penguins fan. I know that it would be a lie. So instead I just hate on teams, it's much easier to do than like a team. And all my friends know I don't know much about sports so they don't take me seriously. Now for the rest of the rules:

Know when not to hate on a team: The kid next to you could be the world's biggest Phillies fan. So before you start hating on a team know your surroundings. You don't want to be at the business end of a broken beer bottle.

Don't pretend to know the sport: It's a free throw not a three throw. Don't pretend to know the game because that's when you find out you don't even know what a flea flicker is. All you'll be able to contribute to the conversation is parroting back things you heard from real sports fans and ESPN (if it's ever on when you're in the same room) and you will never be able to do this parroting with enough conviction to make it sound like a real thought.

Know when to walk by the screen: This is the ultimate. At least learn the sport well enough to know not to walk past the screen at the worst time. You don't want everyone yelling at you just because you can't wait five seconds for the puck to stop.

Just watch the damn game: Save all the annoying questions to that one token girl on the couch. Even if you're not sure about something, figure it out yourself or look it up on Wikipedia later. Also don't be a commercial-whore. Yes they are special during the Super Bowl but don't buy into the advertiser's hype.

Learn to enjoy sitting around: Whether it's watching the television or riding the pine, learn to enjoy sitting.

Gamble: Gambling makes everything fun.

You don't need to overcompensate your love for sports, but there is still a lot to enjoy when you get into it. There is a reason why it is such a big part of our culture, there is genuine drama to be had in each pass or sack. You don't need to be the annoying girl who cheers on each Cowboys play like it's life or death (we get it, you're the "girl that likes sports"). Even on the simplest level, sitting on a couch and watching the game with the guys is nice male-bonding, especially when one super Giants fan is yelling his head off. Having something to watch makes the silence less awkward also.

It also gives you an excuse to eat buffalo wings. Just eat and shut up.