Charlie Brown musings and my personal dream gifts

I'm old.

I feel old at least. My license may say that I'm turning 21 tomorrow, but dates on licenses are rarely indicative of how old one feels. As a young adult, you feel twice as old as you're suppose to, and as an adult you wish you were half as young as you are. Tomorrow I turn 21, and to me it's just another day.

Maybe I'm just blaming my age and maturity on my blase attitude towards Christmas. I use to be a Christmas nut growing up. But now I don't know. It doesn't seem like my favorite holiday anymore, just another excuse to spend time with people I had no choice but to love, even when I don't like them. I'm no Grinch or Scrooge, those characters went out of their way to not be merry. I have no such passion, just listlessness. Maybe in the eleventh hour I'll be hit with the Christmas spirit, but at the time of this writing, the only thing reminding me it's Christmas is the calendar.

I think of Charlie Brown talking to Linus about not being in the Christmas spirit. I've always considered myself a Linus, but I can't help but identify with old Chuck. It's just not the same.

"Out of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the Charlie Browniest."

My Christmas list always goes through the same evolution. I list a bunch of things I want on a whim and then, as I look back at the list, I realize I don't need anything. I cross things off as easily as I put them on. I can live without a new movie to watch or video game to play. And I wonder why my mom has had to wake me up the past few years. I use to be the one to wake her up.

These are the ridiculous gifts. The gifts I know I don't need but want anyway. My dream Christmas list that I never expect to actually get.

1. Lock Pick Set: No, I don't want to become a cat burglar, I just think it would be a cool skill to have. No intent on crimes here. I think it's just one more step to my life goal, being Batman. Picking locks seems like a nice puzzle, and unlike jigsaw puzzles, lockpicking actually something good that comes out of it.

2. Pocket Watch: I've always been fascinated by time. As a kid I always had to have a watch on me. At one point I wore two watches at once, one on my arm and one that clipped to my belt. Now, I realize that having a pocket watch nowadays isn't very practical and I doubt it will ever do more then collect dust on my shelf. Something inside me still wants one though. Maybe I'll wear it on special occasions.

3. Hip Flask: This one even baffles me. I don't drink, and I especially don't drink hard liquor. For me to have a hip flask is the very definition of superfluous. Maybe on day when I aspire to become a drunk, I'll be ready. Or maybe I can fill it with something else. It would just be cool to have though. Not even an engraved or flashy one, just a simple flask would do. I don't need a portrait of Bob Marley on it, or any other gaudy design that you see in Spencer Gifts.

I definitely don't need an Insane Clown Posse flask.

Merry Christmas to all of you. I hope that this holiday brings you lots of joy, and that you spend it with your favorite people. Tune in tomorrow, when I write a special edition post. It'll be an expose on what it's like to have a Christmas birthday.

How to properly receive a present

Buying the correct present for a person is an undeniably arduous task. Do you let the price tag do the talking? Are you the thoughtful kind of gift-giver, where the gift symbolizes your relationship with that person (I'd like to think I fall into this category)? There are also the crappy gift givers, who buy whatever they see the night before or, worse yet, buy something they themselves would like with no consideration for the gift-receiver. After the crappy wrapping job, it's finally time to see if the search was worth it. To see the eyes of the other person light up as they slowly unwrap your present to them.

It is this stage of the gift giving process that most fail at. Nobody wants to admit that the gift is horrible. Our eyes may give away the disappointment we feel as we look at our new Chia Pet, but we don't want to make it too obvious. What I want to talk about, this fine December evening, is the art of receiving gifts and pretending the socks you got were just what you always wanted.

Wrong.

I am the worst gift-receiver ever. I'm rarely one to show excitement. The most you'll get out of me is mild amusement. I do however, know how to fake it. Or at least, fake it enough not to hurt your aunt's feelings. Really it's all in the smiles. Do not try to overcompensate and constantly smile, for that will give away just how forced it is. The best way to carry out this smile, is to act as though you are trying your best to hide it. Nobody will you believe you if it's constant, it's all about the smile breaks that sell it.

That's more like it.

Even if the gift-giver keeps reassuring you that it can be returned, never take them up on the offer. It's a trap. They may have legitimately kept the receipt in case you didn't like it, but you will only be playing into their hands if you take them up on their offer. Always keep the gift, even if you plan on cramming it into your closet and forgetting about it for years. Who knows maybe one day you'll appreciate the gift for what it is, or the thought behind it is enough to warrant the keeping.

Never try and oversell the appreciation of the gift. If you're not the hugging sort than don't start now. Just accept it for what it is, thank the person as sincerely as you can, and drop it in a corner of the room till you leave. It's not the person's fault the gift sucks. People don't realize how hard it is to buy presents. Truly, the best kind of present is the one that the person doesn't even realize they want. Anybody can give a list of things they want, the list cheapens the whole gift giving experience. And worse yet, there's no surprise. That's what it all comes down to, the surprise.

Few gifts ever ever reach this mark though. It's hard to know what that person wants without them even knowing what they want. One of the things that makes me a horrible gift-receiver is I never know what I want. The best gift I've ever gotten however, was something I didn't even know I wanted. It was senior year of high school and I was swapping gifts with my girlfriend at the time. She handed me a flat piece of cardboard wrapped up in reindeer wrapping paper. I was prepared to be disappointed, already having the fake smile ready to go. No awesome present has ever been flat. I was wrong though, it was the best present I've ever gotten. It was a poster for my favorite movie of all time, The Third Man. I never even thought about getting a poster for it, but once I saw it I was shaking with excitement (to be fair I shake a lot anyway). I even hugged the girl for the gift, a sign of affection that I'm not normally known for.

You have no idea how happy this made me.

I still have the poster hanging on my bedroom wall. It broke my heart to have to put tacks through it, but it still remains one of my favorite presents. I've had some winners since, but nothing compares to that. So I guess it goes to show, even with the pseudo-grimaces and the faux-validation given to the gift-giver, you really can be surprised once in awhile. And be shown what true appreciation is, even if you didn't feel yourself capable of such a feeling. A lifetime of tepid gift-receiving can be overturned with just one unwrapping, and you can gain faith once again.

Pop stars making the same Christmas album every year for easy money

Let me start off by saying this, I'm not against Christmas music. No other holiday has a musical tradition that matches Dec. 25. Aside from drunkenly mumbling Auld Lang Syne every New Years Eve, no other holiday has an equal library of music. I love music and I love Christmas (then again who hates either?). What I don't like is pop stars using the holiday season to make a quick buck. One afternoon in the recording studio is all it takes to make a Christmas CD, ready to be bought by the same people that made American Idol the number one show on television for so long. The great Christmas song book has been raped repeatedly by flash-in-the-pan pop stars. It's time to put an end to it. We'll always have Bing Crosby to sing us a White Christmas, and that's all we need. The songs are already written, so all the CD needs is some lazy singing.

Larry the Cable Guy released, not one, but two holiday albums.

Country music stars are some of the worst offenders of this. Faith Hill, Kenny Rodgers, Taylor Swift, Tobey Keith, and Garth Brooks himself are all at fault here. I guess their fans don't get in the holiday spirit until their favorite cowboy hat wearing singer belts out the same song they've heard since kindergarten. It's just not Christmas without it. Frankly, I'd surprised we went this long celebrating the holiday tradition before Alabama threw their hat in the ring (note: a young Jeff Cook, fiddler for Alabama, looks just like Kenny Powers). Or you're going through the CD rack at your local mall and and you see Garth Brooks eyeing you, commanding you to buy his Christmas album.

Blue Steel?

Pop stars are also at fault here. It seems that every actor on the Disney Channel is also a singer, and they all had a hand in creating a Disney Channel holiday album. Christina Aguilera, before she got awesome, released her own Christmas album. Hell, my sisters owned the one NSYNC released. American Idol contestants, which I have already made fun of, are the worst offenders off all. Contestants on the show are already damned to commercialism as soon as they sign their soul away. Clay Aiken, David Archuleta (to be honest I don't know who David Archuleta is) and even William Hung all made money off of the season of giving. I can expect it out of Archuleta and Aiken but Hung?

My December by Kelly Clarkson, surprisingly not about Christmas.

Even music acts I actually like have fallen prey to it. Al Green, my favorite soul singer, released his own album. The album was ironically titled White Christmas and I'm sure that, along with every other album Green has made and alcohol,ic eggnog it has facilitated the birth of many a child. Weezer, the band so awesome I keep Pinkerton as my car default CD, made their own Christmas album. It's not that I'm angry, it's just that I'm disappointed. Maybe it is hard to say no to the easy money that these albums bring, but that doesn't make it right.

Christmas Television Specials

No holiday is complete without television specials. And Christmas, by far, wins in that category. Every channel has their own Christmas specials. The problem is, a made-for-television movie about Christmas usually falls for the same pitfalls. They all try desperately to remind us of the spirit of Christmas and the importance of good will towards man. All these messages become saccharine sweet though.

Caution: Scrooge-ness ahead.

All these films amount to Lifetime movies wrapped up in a festive bow. Family films, made for kids that have yet to lose faith in Christmas. It's no surprise that Hallmark, the company that makes greeting cards, is responsible for many of these saccharine sweet films. They are saccharine because they try to be sweet but in the end they are just fake. They aren't earnest. It's just the same packaged tale over and over.

Greeting cards, telling you how you feel so you don't have to.

The Christmas Shoes, for instance, is a song made in 2000, involving a man who meets a poor kid in a store who is trying to buy shoes for his sick mother. The man is touched by this touching display and buys the boy the shoes for his mother to "look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight." It's the kind of story that is found in bad chain letters. Not only did they make a song based around this story but CBS made a movie based on the song in 2002. You spend an hour and a half waiting for the tough businessman to meet the poor kid in the department store. When it finally happens you can't help but notice that it looks as corny as it sounds.

Kind of like Tiny Tim.

Actual kids specials are a little more bearable. These are meant for kids that already care about Christmas. There is still pandering but it's at least to the correct demographic. Rankin/Bass is famous for their Christmas specials. It's mostly just Santa Clause and Rudolph kind of stories (Santa Clause is Coming to Town in my personal favorite, complete with song by Mayor Burgermeister Meisterburger), but it's told with enough charm that you have no need to question why they are still being aired 40 years later. That's not to say that those specials didn't flirt with weirdness.

Admit it, all you care about is the Miser Brothers.

Little Drummer Boy was the obvious attempt at a non-secular Christmas special, Jack Frost just happened to be set during winter, Rudolph's Shiny New Year was a completely unnecessary retread into a previous success and The Life & Adventures of Santa Clause is just too messed up for words. A much more pagan look at Santa, Life & Adventures sticks out like a sore thumb compared to the others. People care about the Coca-Cola vision of Santa, not the old creepy man in the woods version. Give me Santa Clause is Coming to Town any day.

There's a reason why you never really see it on television anymore.

Now, at this point, I might as well talk about Christmas movies I do like. The following is a list I've just put together randomly off the top of my head:

Best version of Christmas Carol: Muppet Christmas Carol

Best television show Christmas special: Pee-Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special

Best Rankin/Bass special: Santa Clause is Coming to Town

Best from my childhood: Claymation Christmas

Best Bill Murray Christmas movie: Scrooged (and his only Christmas movie but I really wanted to mention it)

Best Action movie: Die Hard

Best token Christmas celebration: Rugrats Hanukkah special episode

Popcorn tins: The best gift money can buy

I don't know how it came about. I don't know what tradition it stemmed from. I don't even know the original point. What does matter is the fact that popcorn tins are the best freakin present you can get someone on the fly. Picture it: you're at Rite Aid on Christmas Eve. You need to find a gift for your nephew and you don't love him enough to of gotten something earlier. The toys at drugstores are cheap and lame and you already bought him a Chia Pet last year. You have no idea what he likes or what to get him and you're running out of time.

If someone ever bought you a Chia Pet they do not love you.

Then you spot it. It's everything you'll ever want. It's everything you'll ever need. In short, it's glorious. A whole wall of popcorn tins. Stacked perfectly, waiting to be plucked. Each packed, brimming with maize. Separated into three different flavors. The staple, buttered popcorn which everyone loves. The adventurous and bad for your teeth caramel popcorn, that's the bane of dentist everywhere. And finally cheese, which tastes halfway decent. And the best part yet, there's all kinds of different designs on the outside. Send that kid a Spongebob tin. Kids love Spongebob tins. They'll appreciate it a hell of a lot more than the Hickory Farms Gift Box Sampler.

To be fair, those strawberry candies are awesome.

The fun never stops with popcorn tins. In the beginning you have more popcorn than you know what to do with. You feel like you'll have enough till rapture, with your never-ending tin. With the separators you're allowed to pick which flavor you want. Only having to deal with cheese when you see how much you've been disregarding it. Which isn't fair because there's always more cheese than caramel corn. Then as you realize the finite tin space you can take out the separator, mixing the flavors into interesting combination. That kid has something to snack on for the next month thanks to you. Now he won't go hungry when his mother refuses to make dinner because his father doesn't appreciate her enough.

Or sustenance for when he neglectfully gets left alone for Christmas.

The fun doesn't stop either. After the popcorn is finished with you have the tin to do with as you wish. Need a wastepaper basket? Done. Need to store something away? Done. Need a place to put your LEGOs so you don't step on them at night and hurt yourself? Done. With one simple last minute gift purchase you'll change that kid's life for the better. It's cheap too. Doesn't that make you feel better about yourself when you do your last minute shopping at Rite Aid?

Rite Aid: Responsible for crappy gifts since 1968.