Ace Ventura Jr: Pet Detective shouldn't exist

During my lazy Saturday morning I find myself flipping through the channels, looking for something to catch my eye as I refuse to get out of bed. As I sit and eat my absent roommate's honey wheat pretzels I spot the usual filler. A Law & Order episode, the new Power Rangers and Pirates of the Caribbean on USA. In my lazy surfing I spot an odd kid with an even odder haircut. To my horror I find out I'm watching a 2007, direct-to-video sequel to Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and it stars his son.

All-righty then?

To me, the need to stick junior at the end of things is just a marketing ploy to sell kids a watered-down version of an existing product. And for anybody that's been forced to drink Keystone, they know that all you get out of it is an ass-tasting beverage. Monopoly Junior was never fun to me, I just wanted to play the original. I wanted to be a racecar and start off with $1,500 not the measly $35 you got in the junior version.

Me and Rich Uncle Pennybags make mad stacks on the corners.

The movie is basically one kid doing his best Jim Carrey impression for 90 minutes. It's like he just found an old VHS of Ace Ventura at a yard-sale and went to town. In an effort to save his mom (who is not Courteney Cox) from being blamed for a panda-napping. Now this crime is especially heinous, because I love me some pandas. Luckily, Ace Jr finds the real criminal, one bad catchphrase at a time. And for some reason the ghost of Babe Ruth plays a wildlife agent. I know it's suppose to be a kid's movie and I am too old for it, but that's not the point. The point is this movie shouldn't exist.

"Heroes are remembered but legends never die..."

The thing of it is, this movie is ten years too late. There was already one kid-friendly sequel in 1995 and a cartoon series from 1995-1997. That was the time to make this abomination. Back when Ace Ventura was still relevant. Back when people actually remembered the movie and I would talk to my mom with my butt, in a crude attempt at humor. The movie literally bastardizes the original by having Ace have a son. What is left is a movie whose whole purpose is to stick all the annoying catchphrases from the mid-nineties into one kid. It'll be like making a Austin Powers Jr: International Man of Mystery sequel. It just doesn't work.

Goldmember sucked enough.

It's kind of funny that a few years before, another kid-friendly sequel was made of a Carrey movie. This one being Son of the Mask, which didn't get very good reviews. When Carrey himself outgrew those characters, isn't it time we did too? Carrey doesn't even appear anywhere in the movie, written off as being lost in the Bermuda Triangle. I guess that way he seems more like a hero and less like an absent father. Also the mom character was a publicist for the Miami Dolphons in the first movie. Now she's a zoo-keeper. Talk about a paycut.

Go Dolphins!

In my futile channel surfing I also found Truman Show on at the same time Ace Jr. was. To me, I take that as a sign. One of his first serious films being aired along the same time as a shallow imitation of his comedy past. I chose to watch Truman Show, only stopping by Ace Ventura Jr. during commercials. That's not to say I don't appreciate Ace Ventura comedy. To this day I still say "Like a glove" whenever I make a good park job. I just feel that even the original Ace Ventura should be respected, and not taken advantage of like an autistic brother playing blackjack.

Coming soon: Rain Man Jr.