Pets, guinea pigs and the occasional slow loris

You are your pet. I don't mean this in a "dog-look-alike contest" kind of way where they judge how much the pets look like their owners, because nobody wins in that contest. I mean that the pets we have are a lot like us. Look no further than my one friend and his five ferrets. Like him, ferrets are social, adventurous, mischievous and smelling of shit. Now, I agree that the comparison isn't perfect. My friend has bones, unlike the snakelike ferrets that live in his room. They're boneless, annoying, little weasels.

"I have no bones!"

Friend number 2 has a chinchilla. Known for their wonderfully soft fur that makes for a great coat. Just try feeling chinchilla hair and not fall in love. Now imagine having that fur keep you warm and snug in the cold cold nights. Heavenly is what it is. Friend number 2, like his chinchilla, is shy yet unbelievably loyal. And, unlike ferrets, actually clean and organized. Chinchillas take dust-baths for christ sakes. It's adorable. They may look like mutant-squirrels but they are unbelievably awesome and never die. They are highlanders. The only thing that kills them is neglect and loneliness.

Chinchillas also love Joy Division.

I had neither chinchilla or ferret. No, I was stuck with a guinea pig. His name was Spunky and he was named after the dog on Rocko's Modern Life. I admit, it wasn't the most creative name for a pet but this was before I became amazingly creative. If I wrote a blog during those non-creative adolescent days it would of sucked. Lucky for you, dear reader, I have grown. Not Spunky though. He eventually died. A cross still marks his grave in my backyard.

For the record he died of old age.

Before we bought him, Spunky lived in PetSmart. He enjoyed staying in his log cabin and not bothering anyone. It was this aversion to socialization that attracted me to the pig. Out of a whole brood of chirping rats, he was the only one sitting in the corner and minding his own business. We rewarded him by placing him in a cardboard box and taking him home. While ferrets are adventurous and chinchillas are loyal, Spunky was nothing but hated. I don't know why my friends hated him so, but his death became the number one topic of conversation at the eight grade lunch table. When we took a break from talking about boobies, my friends would come up with imaginative ways to murder my pet. I just sat back, horrified and impressed by the imagination of my playmates.

Half of the murder plots involving fireworks.

I enjoyed Spunky, but the fun of having a pet did not last long. No, after a year it wasn't a joy. After a year you're basically waiting for the guinea pig to die so you don't have to take care of him anymore. I say that in complete honesty. I am an animal lover and the biggest fan of dogs in the world. But at the same time the guinea pig just turned into a pain in the ass. The bastard wouldn't even play in the ball we got him.

Lazy bastard would just sit there.

Dream-pets are different nowadays. Thanks to Youtube, there's a few animals that everyone wants and they're a little more exotic than chinchillas. They are sugar gliders and slow lorises. Sugar gliders are nothing more than chipmunks with wings. And while I do love Rocky and Bullwinkle, I don't want a midget squirrel as a pet. On the other hand, slow lorises are downright cute. They look like a Dr. Moreau mixture: part sloth, part monkey and all adorable. If you don't believe me, just watch the Youtube videos. They do slow lorises more justice than my meager words ever could. They are, apparently, also poisonous.

Justin Bieber, Hitler, Titanic, and other ideas I failed to develop

I have the whole rest of the month planned out, except for today. So I figure that on this special occasion, I'll give you all a glimpse into by bitter, broken mind. I was going to do a post on the evils of Google, but then I realized that my e-mail and this blog itself is run by Google. So since I didn't want to make myself a hypocrite, I had to think of something else. The following is a relatively stream-of-conscious rant, using three ideas I previously had but failed to properly develop.

Justin Bieber:

Did you know he was Canadian?

Bieber is a sixteen year old pop star extraordinaire. He is also one of the most hated people on the internet. Go to any music video on Youtube and look at the comments. There is a 50 percent chance that there is some comment along the lines of "Man this was when music was good, before Justin Bieber." These comments pop up on a decent amount of videos for me to notice. What's Justin Bieber have to do with Queen (Which is a band that's impossible to hate)? The answer is nothing, yet people feel the need say, and I quote:

"Why did Freddie have to die. I mean what are the odds...1 of 6,000,000,000 people couldnt god choose another like justin bieber (washes mouth for saying that name)."
-Comment on Bohemian Rhapsody

This comment astounds me, yet comments such as this can be found all over Youtube. Now I'm personally not a fan of his music, that's why I don't listen to it. So why do people feel the need to constantly broadcast how much they don't like him? We get it, move on. The fact remains Bieber actually makes some people happy. That's already more than some of you can say about yourselves. Bieber jokes are lame too. Making a Bieber joke is just too easy. It's as easy as saying you hate Hitler. That is unless you're the kind of person that likes to argue that Hitler was decent, only so you can sound controversial.

"Hitler helped rebuild Germany's economy, dontcha know?"

Hitler:

Baby Hitler was so adorable.

First off, never use Hitler's name in an argument. When I debate with someone and they bring up Hitler or Nazi Germany I just walk away. It's just not worth dealing with. If they can't take the debate seriously then I can't either.

That's not to say Hitler isn't serious. To quote Eddie Izzard, Hitler was a mass-murdering fuckhead (I am shocked fuckhead is in my spellcheck). He was a horrible human being. Not only did he start a World War and was responsible for killing millions of people, but he also ruined a whole style of mustache for everybody. Thanks to Hitler, nobody can wear a toothbrush mustache anymore without looking like that bastard (except for Michael Jordan). Who knows, some people could look good with a soul-patch below their nose. But no, thanks to one man and his quest for being the biggest dickhead ever, nobody can, in good conscious, grow their facial hair in such a manner. And Hitler was the cause of a war that enveloped the whole world, so there is no excuse for not knowing it's a Hitler-stache. Everyone knows him (cue Hipster saying, "I knew Hitler before everyone else. I knew him when he was a failed artist.").

Now it is my theory that Hitler may have survived the war. Bear with me now. Hitler had a major supporter in Henry Ford. Ford even showed up in Germany to receive a medal from the Fuhrer. With this friend in automobiles, Hitler could of been smuggled to America and opened an auto-parts store. Just look at the Pep Boys logo. Doesn't the man on the left look familiar? Hitler is either burning in hell or is in plain sight as one of the leaders in auto-parts.

Hitler and his two buddies.

Titanic:

Speaking of burning in hell, I was thinking about the ending to Titanic recently (don't ask me why, I cannot say). Now this isn't a common occurrence, I haven't even seen Titanic that many times. I was seven when it came out. There was nothing in it for me but seeing a ship sink and getting my first glimpse of boobies. Anyway, Titanic ends with Old Rose dying (or just falling asleep, depending on how you saw it). Suddenly it cuts to Titanic, where everybody lost is hanging out and Rose and Jack are finally reunited. It is my theory that Rose went to hell.

Think of it this way, Rose died and is in the afterlife. Where does she end up? Titanic obviously. Now Rose lived a long and fulfilling life, why would she want to be on Titanic again? If that is the afterlife, can you think of anything more horrible than being stuck on the same doomed ship for all eternity? And Jack was there. Lets face it, Jack wasn't the best dude around. His whole lovable rapscallion gimmick means that he's probably done some not nice things in his life. Dying in the Atlantic doesn't give a person much time for contrition, so it is my belief that Jack went to hell. I guess Jack was lucky Rose became young again though. Think how much that would suck, being stuck with Old Rose.

Again maybe Old Rose just fell asleep, as old people tend to do. Either way it's a thought. Tune in next week, when I convince a bunch of orphans that Santa isn't real and nobody loves them.

It's a Christmas special.

Youtube is the new America's Funniest Home Videos

There was once a time where life was embarrassing for everyone. It was a time when ABC sitcoms were actually popular and Jesse Frederick did the theme song for every show (the man was a god on the piano). It was during this time that America thought Bob Saget was actually funny. I am happy to say that in these enlightened times we now know that Bob Saget is not funny, but there was once a time that Saget had two separate television shows to stretch whatever lack of talent he had.

He looks like Mr. Rogers less cool nephew.

While Full House allowed a whole ensemble of characters to carry the show, there was another television program that was plagued by Saget. America's Funniest Home Videos (or AFV for short) relied solely on the premise that America wants to see Bob Saget make corny jokes about home movies sent in by white people. America would tune in every week to watch whatever wacky video was chosen by ABC and to watch Saget die a little inside after every joke he had to tell. AFV was the kind of show that you watched at your grandmother's house when you were bored or your family didn't have anything to talk about. The videos ranged from people getting hurt by doing something stupid to pets or babies being cute. Now with AFV gone (I assume it's not on anymore), America still has one bastion for their clips of adorable animals and awesome injuries: Youtube.

Continuing America's desire to watch the mundane.

When you think about it, Youtube is really a lot like AFV. Look at David After Dentist, a video involving a drugged up child being ridiculed by his father in the car ride home. With 66 million views on Youtube it's insane how popular a whacked out kid can be. Really all the video's missing is corny jokes by Saget and it could of won the $10,000 grand prize on AFV. Instead of Saget you have asinine comments to read by users who fail at fundamental socialization. Comments are either pointless quotes from the video you just watched or unnecessary anger derived from said video. No wonder I don't even bother to read the comments anymore.

Youtube is an amazing phenomenon that is not going anywhere. How many hours, dear reader, have you wasted going from one video to another out of boredom? Without Youtube videos to watch I would actually be forced to have a conversation with my friends. Instead we just gather around the monitor and argue over what what attention seeking person's video to look up and watch next.

Youtube has not discovered anything new, it has just allowed a new outlet to watch people who really shouldn't be diving into swimming pools from their roofs. Youtube is a lot better than AFV, with the interactivity it allows us and not having to deal with Saget's droll delivery of tired jokes and for that we thank you.

UPDATE: Turns out AFV is still on television. It's really no surprise though. For the record I'm not making fun of viewers of AFV, just the show whoring out family entertainment. It's a show made for relatively no money that abuses it's own family base. The 90 percent of the show made up by videos is fine, I have no problem with that. It's the other ten percent where they try to force every joke. If the video is funny than let it be funny. Stop trying so hard.