What the new zodiac sign means to you

(Alternative title: "'Zodiac attack,' or 'That's your horoscope for today'")

Maybe the world is ending soon. History Channel apparently thinks it is. Turn to History Channel right now and there is a 25% chance that there is a program on about some Nostradamus/Mayan Calender/UFO end of the world nonsense. This end of times will result in fire and brimstone coming down from the skies, forty years of darkness, earthquakes, volcanoes, the dead rising from the grave, human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together and mass hysteria; according to the Ghostbusters.

Ghostbusters 3 being made is a sign of the apocalypse.

Why do I mention this? Because the zodiac, the process by which man has foretold his future for a long ass time has changed. The zodiac has shaped all our destinies and fates thanks to the arbitrary distinction of what kind of space-animal we are. It even shapes our own personalities, telling us if we're an air sign and how artistic we are. What season or house of the rising son we're born in matters. Just don't ask me how this all matters. I just looked on Wikipedia for all of this and all I found was phrases I can't pronounce and incomprehensible charts.

Yes but, what does it mean?

Here's what I do understand: Thanks to some Earth wobble, there is now a new house on the block, Ophiuchus. Because of the way the Earth wobbles, the horizon where we gather our zodiac signs has also wobbled. Now everything needs to be shifted to make room for Ophiuchus. The new sign thinks it's all cool now, sitting itself between Scorpio and Sagittarius like it's been there all along. Who the hell does Ophiuchus think it is? It's a dude holding snakes too, it's not even badass like a lion or a crab.

Lame.

I, of course, heard about this change on the place where I get all my news: Facebook. When my newsfeed gets rocked by everybody's reactions I can't help but be informed. Here's the thing though, everybody is freaking out over nothing. I know it took you guys awhile to come up with the "sucks for tattooed people" joke but, this really doesn't effect us. Our culture uses the zodiac as defined by the seasons, not the stars. So you are still whatever you are born with. It's the western astrology people that have to change everything.

Where I go to be a properly informed citizen.

What this shift does, however, is call into question the validity of horoscopes. People who already look down on astrology are not affected by this but the true believers may be a little shaken up with this change. Even the most ardent horoscope reader can be disappointed with this news. This is something that is very personal to a lot of people. Horoscopes are generally stated guides in what to expect out of anyone's daily life, but these vague directions are important to a lot of people. What one person sees as an over-glorified fortune cookie, the other sees it as answers to life, the universe and everything.

Now I'm not trying to knock astrology at all. To be completely honest, I'm a very superstitious person. Now matter how cheap of a person I am, I only grab heads up pennies. I am also a firm believer in jinxing and not stepping on cracks in the cement. I am self-centered enough to believe that the stars in the sky are telling me how to live my life and if I read a bad horoscope I will go through the day acting like an anvil is going to drop on my head.

Thankfully, even with this shift in zodiac news I get to keep the Capricorn moniker that I've grown so attached to. "Capricorns are industrious, efficient, organized and won't make a lot of waves. They are scrupulous with details and adopt a rather conventional posture in business and in life. These folks feel best playing it safe, since this is a fail-safe way to get to the top."

Totally me.