Friday, December 3, 2010

Justin Bieber, Hitler, Titanic, and other ideas I failed to develop

I have the whole rest of the month planned out, except for today. So I figure that on this special occasion, I'll give you all a glimpse into by bitter, broken mind. I was going to do a post on the evils of Google, but then I realized that my e-mail and this blog itself is run by Google. So since I didn't want to make myself a hypocrite, I had to think of something else. The following is a relatively stream-of-conscious rant, using three ideas I previously had but failed to properly develop.

Justin Bieber:
Did you know he was Canadian?

Bieber is a sixteen year old pop star extraordinaire. He is also one of the most hated people on the internet. Go to any music video on Youtube and look at the comments. There is a 50 percent chance that there is some comment along the lines of "Man this was when music was good, before Justin Bieber." These comments pop up on a decent amount of videos for me to notice. What's Justin Bieber have to do with Queen (Which is a band that's impossible to hate)? The answer is nothing, yet people feel the need say, and I quote:
"Why did Freddie have to die. I mean what are the odds...1 of 6,000,000,000 people couldnt god choose another like justin bieber (washes mouth for saying that name)."
-Comment on Bohemian Rhapsody
This comment astounds me, yet comments such as this can be found all over Youtube. Now I'm personally not a fan of his music, that's why I don't listen to it. So why do people feel the need to constantly broadcast how much they don't like him? We get it, move on. The fact remains Bieber actually makes some people happy. That's already more than some of you can say about yourselves. Bieber jokes are lame too. Making a Bieber joke is just too easy. It's as easy as saying you hate Hitler. That is unless you're the kind of person that likes to argue that Hitler was decent, only so you can sound controversial.

"Hitler helped rebuild Germany's economy, dontcha know?"


Baby Hitler was so adorable.

First off, never use Hitler's name in an argument. When I debate with someone and they bring up Hitler or Nazi Germany I just walk away. It's just not worth dealing with. If they can't take the debate seriously then I can't either.

That's not to say Hitler isn't serious. To quote Eddie Izzard, Hitler was a mass-murdering fuckhead (I am shocked fuckhead is in my spellcheck). He was a horrible human being. Not only did he start a World War and was responsible for killing millions of people, but he also ruined a whole style of mustache for everybody. Thanks to Hitler, nobody can wear a toothbrush mustache anymore without looking like that bastard (except for Michael Jordan). Who knows, some people could look good with a soul-patch below their nose. But no, thanks to one man and his quest for being the biggest dickhead ever, nobody can, in good conscious, grow their facial hair in such a manner. And Hitler was the cause of a war that enveloped the whole world, so there is no excuse for not knowing it's a Hitler-stache. Everyone knows him (cue Hipster saying, "I knew Hitler before everyone else. I knew him when he was a failed artist.").

Now it is my theory that Hitler may have survived the war. Bear with me now. Hitler had a major supporter in Henry Ford. Ford even showed up in Germany to receive a medal from the Fuhrer. With this friend in automobiles, Hitler could of been smuggled to America and opened an auto-parts store. Just look at the Pep Boys logo. Doesn't the man on the left look familiar? Hitler is either burning in hell or is in plain sight as one of the leaders in auto-parts.

Hitler and his two buddies.


Speaking of burning in hell, I was thinking about the ending to Titanic recently (don't ask me why, I cannot say). Now this isn't a common occurrence, I haven't even seen Titanic that many times. I was seven when it came out. There was nothing in it for me but seeing a ship sink and getting my first glimpse of boobies. Anyway, Titanic ends with Old Rose dying (or just falling asleep, depending on how you saw it). Suddenly it cuts to Titanic, where everybody lost is hanging out and Rose and Jack are finally reunited. It is my theory that Rose went to hell.

Think of it this way, Rose died and is in the afterlife. Where does she end up? Titanic obviously. Now Rose lived a long and fulfilling life, why would she want to be on Titanic again? If that is the afterlife, can you think of anything more horrible than being stuck on the same doomed ship for all eternity? And Jack was there. Lets face it, Jack wasn't the best dude around. His whole lovable rapscallion gimmick means that he's probably done some not nice things in his life. Dying in the Atlantic doesn't give a person much time for contrition, so it is my belief that Jack went to hell. I guess Jack was lucky Rose became young again though. Think how much that would suck, being stuck with Old Rose.

Again maybe Old Rose just fell asleep, as old people tend to do. Either way it's a thought. Tune in next week, when I convince a bunch of orphans that Santa isn't real and nobody loves them.

It's a Christmas special.

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