Sunday, May 15, 2011

Pets, guinea pigs and the occasional slow loris

You are your pet. I don't mean this in a "dog-look-alike contest" kind of way where they judge how much the pets look like their owners, because nobody wins in that contest. I mean that the pets we have are a lot like us. Look no further than my one friend and his five ferrets. Like him, ferrets are social, adventurous, mischievous and smelling of shit. Now, I agree that the comparison isn't perfect. My friend has bones, unlike the snakelike ferrets that live in his room. They're boneless, annoying, little weasels.

"I have no bones!"

Friend number 2 has a chinchilla. Known for their wonderfully soft fur that makes for a great coat. Just try feeling chinchilla hair and not fall in love. Now imagine having that fur keep you warm and snug in the cold cold nights. Heavenly is what it is. Friend number 2, like his chinchilla, is shy yet unbelievably loyal. And, unlike ferrets, actually clean and organized. Chinchillas take dust-baths for christ sakes. It's adorable. They may look like mutant-squirrels but they are unbelievably awesome and never die. They are highlanders. The only thing that kills them is neglect and loneliness.

Chinchillas also love Joy Division.

I had neither chinchilla or ferret. No, I was stuck with a guinea pig. His name was Spunky and he was named after the dog on Rocko's Modern Life. I admit, it wasn't the most creative name for a pet but this was before I became amazingly creative. If I wrote a blog during those non-creative adolescent days it would of sucked. Lucky for you, dear reader, I have grown. Not Spunky though. He eventually died. A cross still marks his grave in my backyard.

For the record he died of old age.

Before we bought him, Spunky lived in PetSmart. He enjoyed staying in his log cabin and not bothering anyone. It was this aversion to socialization that attracted me to the pig. Out of a whole brood of chirping rats, he was the only one sitting in the corner and minding his own business. We rewarded him by placing him in a cardboard box and taking him home. While ferrets are adventurous and chinchillas are loyal, Spunky was nothing but hated. I don't know why my friends hated him so, but his death became the number one topic of conversation at the eight grade lunch table. When we took a break from talking about boobies, my friends would come up with imaginative ways to murder my pet. I just sat back, horrified and impressed by the imagination of my playmates.

Half of the murder plots involving fireworks.

I enjoyed Spunky, but the fun of having a pet did not last long. No, after a year it wasn't a joy. After a year you're basically waiting for the guinea pig to die so you don't have to take care of him anymore. I say that in complete honesty. I am an animal lover and the biggest fan of dogs in the world. But at the same time the guinea pig just turned into a pain in the ass. The bastard wouldn't even play in the ball we got him.

Lazy bastard would just sit there.

Dream-pets are different nowadays. Thanks to Youtube, there's a few animals that everyone wants and they're a little more exotic than chinchillas. They are sugar gliders and slow lorises. Sugar gliders are nothing more than chipmunks with wings. And while I do love Rocky and Bullwinkle, I don't want a midget squirrel as a pet. On the other hand, slow lorises are downright cute. They look like a Dr. Moreau mixture: part sloth, part monkey and all adorable. If you don't believe me, just watch the Youtube videos. They do slow lorises more justice than my meager words ever could. They are, apparently, also poisonous.

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