Four Loko/Beatles on iTunes extravaganza

Ok, the two big stories this week were Four Loko having to remove the caffeine and the Beatles' now becoming available on iTunes. Frankly, I don't care about either topic and don't have enough of an opinion on either topic to fill up a blog post. So, I decide to lump them together into one mega-sized-super-combo-deal. Now you get double the opinion for the price of one click. On to the issues:

Four Loko:

It's crystal meth in a can!

In one can of Four Loko you can have the caffeine inducing power of being a tool with the alcohol inducing power of being a jerk. That is until the FDA had to ruin everyone's fun by declaring them unsafe. What a bunch of lames at the FDA (am I right?). How could having 12 percent of alcohol and a crap-load of taurine and guarana be a bad thing? It seems like the perfect drink for any 100 pound girl, waving the colorful can around the party like it's an "I'm about to blackout" flag. It's all the fun of jagerbombs without all the trouble of having to drop things into glasses. Not since Billy Dee Williams (that's Lando Calrissian to his friends) started slinging Colt 45 in the 80s has malt liquor ever been so cool.

It works every time.

Look, when it comes to partying you have to trust the resident experts. For me, that expert is Andrew W.K. Not only do all of his songs sound the same (but not in an annoying AC/DC way), but they all have to do with partying. Mr. W.K. tweeted last Wednesday "PARTY TIP: Stock up on cans of FOUR Loko before they take out all the caffeine." And if you ask me, whatever Andrew W.K. says goes. He is, by any definition, the man. He knows his partying.

Pictured: Partying. Hard.

Beatles on iTunes:

Nobody cares about you Ringo.

The recent Beatles news led many to declare, "Man, I didn't know the Beatles weren't on iTunes." The thing of it is, this isn't going to create any new Beatlesmania. Anybody who already cared about the Beatles probably already had them by some other means (R.I.P. Limewire). Others only know them from their crappy Rock Band expansion (those people are Philistines) and don't care how they can get their music. There's no reason why the Beatles couldn't be on iTunes to begin with, other than stubbornness. Now we're suppose to care and buy the White Album again because they tell us to. Hell, the Across the Universe soundtrack was already available on iTunes and that's all the brats nowadays care about anyway.

see more Funny Graphs

The above flowchart, supplied by graphjam.com, perfectly illustrates my argument against caring about the Beatles. Don't get me wrong, I love the Beatles, I just don't care about this news. You may ask why I spent the time to type out an argument when this flowchart is the perfect expression of my opinion. The answer is simple, because I needed space to fill on this blog. And I wouldn't rob you, dear reader, of the opportunity to read my opinion.

Deer reader?

(photo from ladydlk's flickr)