Saturday, November 13, 2010

The Eric Balfour paradigm

There is one pattern I have noticed throughout the years of watching television and movies. If Eric Balfour is allowed within 100 feet of the studio, the project will suck. Curious parties need to look no further than the recently released movie Skyline, which has an 11 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

Did anyone think it would actually turn out decent?

While it might be easier to blame directors Greg and Colin Strause (the only other movie they directed was Alien vs Predator: Requiem) for not knowing how to handle a film, there is enough evidence to put the blame on Balfour. He is the opposite of King Midas, turning whatever he touches into crap. I have, of course, complied enough evidence from Wikipedia to support my thesis.

He's like a hipper, less talented Adrien Brody.

Although he's guest starred in a lot of television shows since 1991, including a credit as Frat Boy #3 in an episode of West Wing, I don't count his career as truly beginning until 2003's remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, starring Jessica Biel and R. Lee Ermy. The film made $100 million dollars worldwide. Balfour, however, was the first person to die in the film.

Balfour would next star in a string of failed series. His show, Veritas: The Truth, premiered on ABC in 2003. Four episodes later the show was taken off the air. Next came Hawaii, a cop show set in the 50th state. It premiered on NBC in 2004 and seven episodes were aired before it was taken off NBC. In 2005, UPN premiered Sex, Love & Secrets, a drama starring Denise Richards' boobs and Balfour. A show called Sex, Love & Secrets should be a big hit, nevertheless it was taken off after four episodes. After trying an adventure series, a cop show and a soap opera, Balfour was cast on Conviction, a legal drama created by Law & Order god Dick Wolf. The show premiered in 2006 and Balfour played, "a laid-back and irresponsible ADA that seems to be heavily into partying but is very invested in his clients." The good news was that it actually got to finish its whole season. The bad news is that it was canceled shortly after, being beaten in ratings by Numb3rs, starring Bernard the Elf from Santa Clause.

Yo.

Movies have not shown the kindness to Balfour that television has. Lie with Me, a wannabe art house film, was met with weak reviews. Hell Ride, which featured the late David Carradine, the late Dennis Hopper, and Michael Madsen (whose career itself is dead) involved a motorcycle gang and a 5.1 rating on IMDB. He was in Dinoshark though, a Jaws like tale involving a prehistoric shark that aired on SyFy. I'm sure that was at least entertaining.

Enter: Dinoshark!

Between his failed attempt at television, the bad reviews for Skyline, and the fact that he starred in a Syfy original, I feel like my thesis is beautifully illustrated. So next time you watch a trailer and see an odd looking fellow with a goatee and wife-beater, know to stay away.

Sorry dude.

10 comments:

  1. Seriously, this guy is too in love with himself to act like anyone but himself. He is the quintessential douche.

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  2. Awww despite him not picking the greatest roles and not being the best actor ( he's not awful just not great) I don't care I'll still watch him in anything. He's hot enough for it not to matter!

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  3. Um... I have one TV show that blows your thesis out of the water. 24. He was in Day 1 for almost the entire season and also day 6. That show did great and he had a fairly big role in it. I have a dozen other TV shows I could probably add here as other shows he's been in since the first episode, or at least was in the first episode or later on in the series and he didn't destroy them, but I don't feel like referencing them. Also I kind of feel like in this third season of Haven, the other characters have gotten worse and the story's falling apart though the writers are trying to amp up the mystery and have an arc, but Eric Balfour's carrying the show and making it decent to watch. He's become my only reason to watch actually, because his character is growing.

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    1. Are you Eric's grandmother or something? People hated him on 24. The writers even held a contest to see who could get rid of the guy first because he was killing the ratings. Haven? seems like something I could watch if Eric Balfour was not involved.

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  4. I love the show Haven actually. He's one of the main characters and not only is he funny and entertaining, but he plays the role quite well. The show is going into it's fourth season this Fall. No, Eric has not been in movies which are major blockbuster hits, but the work he has done is good. That "wannabe" film Lie With Me is an amazing erotic based Indie film. Eric was also in Corman's Word: Exploits of a Hollywood Rebel which did very well in the box office and earned a 91% review on Rotten Tomatoes. As well he was in the film In Her Shoes with Cameron Diaz which scored a 71% review. Not everything he has done is considered bad. He's like any actor, you have your lame ones and your good ones.

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  5. I know this is QUITE dated, but you are obviously not an expert on talent. Eric Balfour is extremely talented in acting and music and an all around nice guy. Get your facts straight before trashing a person. Even via the web. Some people just shouldn t be entitled to an opinion.

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    1. Nah, you are the one who clearly isn't an expert on talent. The guy is a douche who always plays douche characters. Talent is not involved. He is also quite ugly.

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  6. OMG you are absolutely right! Not only is Eric Balfour a lousy actor he is also incredibly ugly. Anyone who disagrees is in serious need of prescription glasses. Fugliest actor on tv.

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  7. I CANNOT BELIEVE!this douch is still on film!!!! Just saw him on backcountry(2014) retire already!

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