The Eric Balfour paradigm

There is one pattern I have noticed throughout the years of watching television and movies. If Eric Balfour is allowed within 100 feet of the studio, the project will suck. Curious parties need to look no further than the recently released movie Skyline, which has an 11 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

Did anyone think it would actually turn out decent?

While it might be easier to blame directors Greg and Colin Strause (the only other movie they directed was Alien vs Predator: Requiem) for not knowing how to handle a film, there is enough evidence to put the blame on Balfour. He is the opposite of King Midas, turning whatever he touches into crap. I have, of course, complied enough evidence from Wikipedia to support my thesis.

He's like a hipper, less talented Adrien Brody.

Although he's guest starred in a lot of television shows since 1991, including a credit as Frat Boy #3 in an episode of West Wing, I don't count his career as truly beginning until 2003's remake of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, starring Jessica Biel and R. Lee Ermy. The film made $100 million dollars worldwide. Balfour, however, was the first person to die in the film.

Balfour would next star in a string of failed series. His show, Veritas: The Truth, premiered on ABC in 2003. Four episodes later the show was taken off the air. Next came Hawaii, a cop show set in the 50th state. It premiered on NBC in 2004 and seven episodes were aired before it was taken off NBC. In 2005, UPN premiered Sex, Love & Secrets, a drama starring Denise Richards' boobs and Balfour. A show called Sex, Love & Secrets should be a big hit, nevertheless it was taken off after four episodes. After trying an adventure series, a cop show and a soap opera, Balfour was cast on Conviction, a legal drama created by Law & Order god Dick Wolf. The show premiered in 2006 and Balfour played, "a laid-back and irresponsible ADA that seems to be heavily into partying but is very invested in his clients." The good news was that it actually got to finish its whole season. The bad news is that it was canceled shortly after, being beaten in ratings by Numb3rs, starring Bernard the Elf from Santa Clause.

Yo.

Movies have not shown the kindness to Balfour that television has. Lie with Me, a wannabe art house film, was met with weak reviews. Hell Ride, which featured the late David Carradine, the late Dennis Hopper, and Michael Madsen (whose career itself is dead) involved a motorcycle gang and a 5.1 rating on IMDB. He was in Dinoshark though, a Jaws like tale involving a prehistoric shark that aired on SyFy. I'm sure that was at least entertaining.

Enter: Dinoshark!

Between his failed attempt at television, the bad reviews for Skyline, and the fact that he starred in a Syfy original, I feel like my thesis is beautifully illustrated. So next time you watch a trailer and see an odd looking fellow with a goatee and wife-beater, know to stay away.

Sorry dude.