Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Dorky glasses are the fountain of youth

There are few universal truths out there, so once you find one you must not let it go. One that I have stumbled upon is this: old men wearing dorky glasses get young girls.

You may think that I have gone too far. There is no way this could be possible. You think this is the most outlandish statement I have made yet on this blog.

Au contraire mon fraire.

I have, not just one, but three examples for you. Anything that happens twice can be called a coincidence, but three times is irrefutable proof.

Exhibit A: David Cross

David Cross started his career as a comedian trying too hard to be cool in the 90s. Already growing bald and weird at the age of thirty, he overcompensated by becoming an angry comedian. Through sheer luck and a deal with the devil, he's been making steady paychecks for years. Whether its acting in Alvin and the Chimpmunks or being in a television show (he was in Arrested Development, my favorite show of all time), he's always managed to pay the bills. He can even be seen in two shows currently, Running Wilde on Fox and The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret on IFC.

Somewhere between the failed television shows (RIP Arrested Development) and kids movies (I actually liked Small Soldiers) he managed to date Amber Tamblyn. Yes, the chick from Joan of Arcadia and Sisterhood of Traveling Pants is dating that guy. Cross, 46 years old, is some how dating 27 year old Tamblyn. I guess personality goes a long way.

Exhibit B: Fred Armisen

He's a greasy man.

You may recognize this man if you watch Saturday Night Live at all. But, seeing how Saturday Night Live hasn't been relevant for years, you probably have no idea who he is. What you should know about this man however is that he was married to Elisabeth Moss, who plays Peggy Olson on Mad Men (which is an awesome show). Armisen, 43, was married to Moss, 28, on Oct. 25, 2009. Eight months later the two divorced. The story doesn't stop there. In August 2010, two months after divorcing Moss, Armisen started dating SNL costar Abby Elliot. Not only is she 23 years old but is also the daughter of the underrated Chris Elliott.

Exhibit C: Woody Allen

The godfather of dorky glasses. What can be said about Woody Allen that hasn't already been done to death? The man has been working steadily since the 60s and has even made a film per year for the last few decades. Whether they have all been good is another matter. Allen's career is amazing but think how much better it would be without Curse of the Jade Scorpion ever being made. His newest film, You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger, was released on Sept. 23 to weak reviews (Love and Death will always be my favorite Allen film. It was back when he was still just a goofy dude).

Forget that he is a a creepy guy that somehow managed to date Diane Keaton. Forget that he dated Mia Farrow until starting a relationship with Farrow's adopted daughter. Forget that Farrow ended the relationship after finding Allen's naked photos of said daughter. Lets focus on the obvious fact, the age difference. When they met, Allen was the ripe age of 56 and Soon-Yi Previn, Farrow's daughter, was 22. They are now married with two adopted daughters.

So very creepy...

It could be the personalities, the sense of humor or the money. Money and fame have won over young women for a long time. There is also those beautiful women who marry a schlub for his sense of humor. For these extreme cases however, it all comes down to one factor: black-framed glasses. If you ever find yourself a lonely old man, just buy some glasses and wait for the ladies.

Which is more badass: the gun or the glasses? (Answer: everything is cool when Michael Caine is involved)

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